I had the most amazing night last night with my friend Rachel. But I wanna brag a bit about her. She’s probably the best thing that ever happened to me in Waterloo, besides finding out that I can save 10% on groceries every Tuesday with my student id. She’s my inspiration whether she believes it or not because of her grace and simplicity. Amazing girl, yet never lurking in the spotlight. And she’s been there for me through everything this year and still never fails to have my back. My friend in times of trouble, the first person I wanna share all of my successes with, this time I did good. I finally found someone similiar to me yet drastically different and this is why I’ll miss Waterloo.
We went out to Maxwell’s Music House, if you ever come to Waterloo it’s definitely a chill spot to spend one night. Ariana Gillis and her band performed some epic songs and really got me reminising on this year. I definitely changed in 8 months; surprisingly I realized that I am finally developing into the person i want to be. If I accomplish everything that I’ve set out to do, then I really have the power to change.
I just wanna keep you safe.
This sums up first year at University as…
Food: my staple meal
Emotions: totally falling apart but eventuallys holding it together
Friends: the best combination, cheese and bread
Life: its that simple. grill and eat
Do you have that friend that is a total stinge and won’t spend any money on anyone else but themself?
I get it, it’s YOUR money (or your parent’s) but dear god can you never be generous.
Here’s the situation:
You go out to eat but they have “no money.” Then through mental assesment they realize that they can afford a little something. BUT the second you open your mouth and offer to pay they all of a sudden order a buffet of food. Yeah those people…
It drives me nuts. And especially those people who don’t know how to share food. Everytime they ask you for something you are always willing and kind about it. But if you ask for a grain of rice they refuse or cause a scene about how it’s “their food.” And they always try to hint that you should bring food back for them or try to get you to split food with them. HELL NO, I won’t share my food with you because you’ll want the bigger half when it’s always equal.
Refrain from dining with these people or around these people. It is so annoying when they stare your plate down and then have the audacity to ask you for a bit because they know you won’t refuse.
I am one of the most indecisive people ever, yet I make some of the best decisions. Truth is I am indecisive about people. Funny aint it.
So the worst has approached me in this life of lonliness and despair. I am missing someone, but it’s not who anyone would ever guess it to be. Even my friend Khalid just guessed wrong. This is terrible. My thoughts and urges and instincts tell me to just do it, but my consciences says no. Why?
I want to say that I am developing “feeling” but realistically this cannot be true. For there are many circumstances that separate us, although everything about our body language and aura seems to be true. I want to say that I love him again, yet I walk around preaching that I never did. So in all honesty I do not know what I am feeling today, or right now or the moment I met him so many years ago. Quite frankly I am speechless, or have writer’s block (one out of the two). That’s how he’s left me at this moment in time. And to imagine we had six long months with options, and he was never one. I really need to hold my breathe this time.
A heart broken once cannot be a heart broken twice. Not in my world…
Loss of sleep. Loss of hope. Losing me.
It’s simple. Things change and at the end of it all we still remain the same. Deep within me I really do not believe that people can change. Yes, we can all mature and make slight edits to our persona but to completely change every ounce of ourselves is like mankind rebuilding this being that we were born as, this being we have become. As I starve myself of life and happiness, the sweetest treat one can attain, I wonder what you’re doing, what he’s doing, what I’m doing to myself.
How does anything ever make sense? And better yet, how can you make sense of nothing. It is one thing to make false accusations and say that the other does not love. That the other does not care, or wonder, or hurt as much as you do. But the real question is why does the other hide, in fear of admitting their realization that their best option was you.
Would you rather be happy with me or happy without me? I know that this all sounds like a bundle of confusion, but really look deeper in those words. When we find that person that seems to satisfy our longing for acceptance and love, the circumstances can change when problems arise. Yet, we find ourselves happy with them as much as we verbalize our resentment and dissatifaction. On the other hand, when they leave our side for good we contemplate the reoccuring question of whether or not we are happier without them. Eventually this thought can persuade you to go out, once again, in search of satifaction and the occasional stumble across rocky love stories.
But, then there are those like me. Those that could not decide whether they were happier with or without. No further connections or longing to be one. Alone and alive, yet in search of …nothing. No emotion to be found, with an angled smile full of melancholy spark and confusion.
Red-eyed and blue, I sit here and wonder about you.
imagination on a sunny day
I’m still in the same spot, wrecking everything around me but I break things just because I can. Not the best Monday morning, breaking a glass filled to the rim with water and dropping multiple objects, including my stapler on my foot. Why? Because I can? Definitely not a sufficient answer to this mind-mess I’m constantly leaving myself in. Almost like a state of mind, I daydream of what it would have been like if you and I were one.
Do I regret the permanant removal of you from my life? Each and every single day. Every morning when I walk the streets of Waterloo and realize that I am still not complete. Every afternoon when I look around my lecture hall with a lost and helpless glare. Every evening when I browse the internet to occupy myself from the lack of enjoyment every second.
What I’d do to go back to those days when seeing you was painful, yet satisfying enough to get me through each day. When suffering was a daily treat, unbearable yet it provided me with adrenaline and fire.
So yes, I cannot wait to come home for four months. And yes, I am anticipating the moment I see you, even for a second because maybe it will be my secret chance to wreck you all over again.